失望した

I didn't really want to write this blog, because I would get annoyed if people thought that I was using my sickness as an excuse for a poor performance at the National Tournament. Thankfully, some friends understood where I was coming from, so I felt a little more comfortable writing about it.

Last week was all dedicated to SF4 practice, I practiced with Bea immediately after work on Tuesday and did the same with Mulder on Wed. On Thursday I woke up with a fever, but I was just sick like two weeks prior so I thought it was something I'd get over soon enough. I went to Mizonokuchi that day to get more practice, but my body felt beat up and my breathing wasn't sounding so sexy. On Friday, had to work. Saturday had to work until 6:30pm, I thought about going home and getting rest, but at Nishi Sega in Shinjuku there was a 5on5 tournament and all the qualified players would be there, so I rationalized that I would be missing out on a chance to get more practice that was needed. After all this was the chance I've been waiting for, I have to do all I can to win. But, in retrospect, it hurt me probably more. The weather was colder then usual, I was low on sleep, sick. and tired from work. And I knew the 5on5 would end at like at least 11pm so that would mean I would get home after 12am and I had to wake up early to get to Shinagawa on time for registration.

Starting probably on Friday I probably seemed pretty anti-social, because everytime I started to talk, I started to cough and wheeze. It doesn't help that I have to often talk at my job. So sorry if I appeared to be unfriendly, I just didn't have the energy to start up spectacular conversations.

I looked in the mirror on Sunday and I looked really beat up. I went to Shinagawa on time, saw Nakanishi standing around and he showed me where the Inner City Hall was. I tried to take in the atmosphere and have some sort of melodramatic moment where I realize this is my time or something, but unlike usual, I couldn't think like that cause my body was just tired.

I guess a comforting thing that Campbell (Buktooth) told me later was something like

" playing at top level is next to impossible when you're not mentally ready
.... like sick, tired, whatever. "

I lost first round to a Grand Master Blanka named "Black Mamba". He's good and he outplayed me. But the Kim that played that match was some sick Kim just trying to somehow get a win. I couldn't feel hungry and I couldn't play my best. I definitely couldn't play to my best ability.

Up until Thursday of last week, I came into most of my SF4 games with something to prove, I have an energy or something that I kinda feel while I'm playing. But I couldn't bring it out at the Nationals.

What a waste of an opportunity, I don't want to say I was robbed or anything, cause I'm sure as hell not a guarantee to win anything. I can't remember if there was ever a time where I had such a strong illness during a big event. Some people asked if I had influenza(I didn't even really know what it meant), but the body pain and hard breathing, and fever sounds just about right. I'll get it checked out tomorrow. So anyway "robbed" isnt the right word, but I don't know what word to use.

Since last ~October, I dedicated 85% of all my Sundays to trying to qualify and then trying my best at the nationals. It's a pretty big deal since I work 6 days a week, thus Sunday is my only day off for me to do anything. And then to not be able to play at my best.

It just fucking sucks. Sorry to throw the F bomb out there, but I feel so discouraged and that I sacrificed so much time for nothing. The last thing I want to do is play that game. My motivation is at a stop and I really don't think I should spend more time playing. I'd rather do all the other things I postponed because I wanted to achieve some childhood dream.

So as of right now, I don't know what my Tougeki plans are. In a way, I feel like I'm chasing a pipe dream and if I really want to achieve some champion status, It would take too many years to achieve. I'm already discouraged about it. Plus Tougeki is a 2on2
format, which means if I wanted to win, I'd have to find someone that was at least average, someone that I was real friends with(not just some guy I wave to each time I see him at the Game Center, this also has to do with the difficult language barrier), doesn't get intimidated easily, and plays a good character. Those are the most ideal situations. So if I wanted to qualify ok, I could do it myself. But now, the odds are harder.

In other news, Iyo won the nationals. He was the one I was rooting for since IMO he's probably the most gifted and uncrowned champion of all time, until yesterday.

Tomorrow will be the first day I have missed work in 2 years. I'll go to a doctor in Tamaplaza to get myself checked out. For the past two days, I've been having the shivers, and I wake up cold or drenched in sweat. Hot and Icy just like how people always knew I was. I think I'm getting better now, but I need to get myself checked out regardless.

Take care,

Kim1234